


I Was Your Amber (But Now She’s Your Shade of Gold)

by TheBravePrincessPure



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Bellamy Blake/Echo, Song fic, stone cold
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:55:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22061395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBravePrincessPure/pseuds/TheBravePrincessPure
Summary: Based off of the song "Stone Cold" by Demi LovatoStone cold, babyGod knows I tried to feelHappy for youKnow that I am, even if ICan't understand, I'll take the painGive me the truth, me and my heartWe'll make it throughIf happy is her, I'm happy for youClarke tries to feel happy for Bellamy. She really does. He has a family, a girlfriend, and he's happy. So why does it hurt so damn much?
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 127





	I Was Your Amber (But Now She’s Your Shade of Gold)

_Stone cold, baby_

_God knows I tried to feel_

_Happy for you_

_Know that I am, even if I_

_Can't understand, I'll take the pain_

_Give me the truth, me and my heart_

_We'll make it through_

_If happy is her, I'm happy for you_

-

“Oh, remember when Emori set off the fire alarm on accident?”

“That wasn’t my fault! How was I supposed to know leaning on the control panel would set it off?

Ripples of laughter spread through their group, fire illuminating their faces. Clarke stared into the flames, a fake smile tugging at her lips. It still stung knowing that they had stories she would never be apart of.

They had started a bonfire as nightfall fell upon their day. It was just their small group, no one from Sanctum around, and there was an ease that had settled over them. It was the first time since the fall of the Primes that they had time to just relax, to reminisce and not feel suffocated by fear and responsibilities. Most of Sanctum had returned to some semblance of normalcy, trying to rebuild their society as well as they could without their leaders.

Clarke glanced up through the flames, her eyes catching on Bellamy on the other side of the fire. Echo leaned against him, shoulder to shoulder, whispering something in his ear. They shared a laugh, and Clarke forced herself to look away. Despite being so close to the fire, coldness settled into her chest. As her eyes moved around their circle, she saw her people sharing laughter and stories and jokes. Even Madi had integrated into the group seamlessly, sitting next to Miller and asking him questions. The only one isolated was her.

She swallowed heavily and got up. No one bothered to look up as she walked away, too engrossed in their conversations to notice. It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling to Clarke. While the relationships she had with her people weren’t quite as hostile as before, they weren’t mended either. They sat in some sort of suspension, pushed to the wayside while other things were handled first. She knew it was for the best. Survival always came first to them, and she respected that. It didn’t mean, however, that she was okay with it.

She had nearly made it back to her building when she heard footsteps crunching behind her, coming up fast. She spun around, hand hovering above her hip, posed to grab the switchblade she kept in her pocket.

“Easy, Clarke. It’s just me,” Bellamy said, hands up in surrender.

Clarke let out a breath, her shoulders relaxing. “Why aren’t you with the others?” she asked, glancing behind him towards the dim glow of the fire in the distance. She could still faintly hear Emori’s roaring laughter.

“Why aren’t you?” Bellamy retorted, raising an eyebrow at her. She should have known he would have noticed her leaving.

“Got tired,” Clarke excused, although she averted her eyes. She still couldn’t look at him when she was lying. After all they had been through, it didn’t feel right. He deserved the truth… she just couldn’t give it to him.

“Come on, Clarke. We haven’t had a night like this since Unity Day,” he said with a small smile, stepping towards her and holding his hand out. “Come on. I think you owe me a drink.”

Clarke returned a grin, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. She hoped Bellamy couldn’t see through her, but she knew he always did. “I’m just going to go lie down. Go have one with Echo.”

Bellamy’s smile slipped from his face, his brows drawing together. “Clarke…”

She shook her head, taking a step back. “It’s fine, Bell. Everything is fine,” she mumbled. “I just… I don’t belong there right now. And that’s okay. You said it yourself. They need time, to forgive me for what happened. I guess it just hasn’t been enough. Go back; it looked like you were having fun.” She could hear the trembling in her own voice, and cleared her throat in hopes of masking it. “Seriously, Bellamy. I’ll be fine.”

Bellamy sighed, his eyes flickering back to their group. “You belong with us, Clarke. You know that. We’re your people, your family.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, a humorless laugh escaping her throat as unshed tears burned in her eyes. “They certainly don’t think so,” she mumbled. She folded her arms around her chest, as if she could physically hold herself together. She felt like her exterior mask was crumbling. “Like I said, I’m okay. Go back, have fun, be happy.”

“Clarke-“

“Bellamy, stop. I’m happy for you. For all of you,” Clarke interrupted, a watery smile forming on her trembling lips. “I’m happy that you all have this great bond. I’m glad you found Echo, and you’re happy with her. I can see that. You deserve all the happiness in the world; you’ve earned it. So please, just go.” She sucked in a shaky breath, turning away from him. “Please, go.”

“Why are you doing this?” Bellamy asked softly, stepping forward to place his hand on her elbow.

She pulled her arm roughly from his grasp. “Because I can’t look at you with her!” Clarke snapped, her tears finally spilling over. She angrily wiped them away with her fingertips. “I want to be happy for you. I really do. I try so damn hard to be happy about all of this. But I can’t sit there and look at you two all warm and cozy and giggling about things I missed out on!”

Bellamy froze, and the look on his face was nearly unreadable. It was a mixture of confusion and sadness and guilt. She didn’t know what to make of it.

“We were so close once, you and I,” Clarke mumbled, fidgeting with her trembling fingers. She felt more tears spill down her cheeks, but didn’t bother to wipe them away. “I will never regret the day you left, because it meant that you were safe. I would do it all over again. But six years is a long time, and I need to accept that we’re not who we used to be anymore.” She looked down at her boots, digging the toes of them into the light colored dirt below. “So, please, go. You’ve earned being happy, Bellamy. If that means being with them, with Echo, then… it’s okay. I can accept that.”

“Clarke,” Bellamy said, his voice low and confrontational, prepared for an argument.

Clarke sighed, turning towards her building once more. The last thing she wanted was to fight with him, to push away the last person who cared about her other than her own daughter. “Have a drink for me,” she mumbled, her fingers closing around the door handle.

“No! God damn it Clarke, when will you see it?” Bellamy snapped, his fingers closing around her wrist. She could feel how tense he was beside her. “You _are_ my happiness. I lived without you for six years. I’ve nearly lost you again and again. I need you. I need you more than you seem to realize.”

She didn’t pull away from him this time. “What about Echo?” she questioned, her voice small as she looked up to his face. He looked sad.

“We’re done. We’ve been done,” he mumbled, shaking his head. “Sometime after Russell was put away, but before his trial.” The days seemed to blend together anymore, for all of them. The chaos didn’t help them keep time. “We just… We’ll always be family, but we’re not what each other needs. Not anymore.”

“You were together for years,” Clarke muttered, her eyes flickering back to the fire in the distance. She could barely hear the chatter anymore. “What happened?”

Bellamy swallowed heavily, his eyes trailing over her face. “ _You_ happened. When I thought you were dead, after Josephine took over, I just… I knew I couldn’t be the same again. I had barely gotten through the first time. And then you came back and I just knew… I couldn’t let this slip away again.”

Clarke felt her heart stutter. Her eyes met his and she accidentally let out a soft sob. Her hand came up to cover her mouth, trying to stifle any more from breaking through. “I can’t, Bellamy,” she whispered, her voice quivering.

He shook his heart, taking a step towards her and reaching up to stroke her hair away from her face. “Why _not_? Why can’t we be happy, Clarke? After everything, I think we deserve it.” His voice was soft, desperate.

“I don’t,” Clarke choked out, turning her head away. “I don’t.”

“You _do_ , Clarke. _We_ do,” Bellamy breathed, closing the gap between them and wrapping his arms around her. She buried her head underneath his chin, soaking in his warmth and pressing her hot tears into his shirt. His hands came up to stroke her back, his thumbs pressing into her spine between her shoulder blades with every pass. “I can’t do this without you, Clarke. Not anymore. Not again,” he whispered, pressing his cheek to the top of her head.

She took in a shuttering breath, locking her arms on the small of his back, pressing herself tighter to him. “Together,” she whispered, so soft that she wasn’t sure he would have heard her.

But he did. “Together,” he confirmed, as his lips pressed against the crown of her head.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a kudos or comment if you liked! Happy New Year!


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